Tuesday, August 7, 2007

A Day on the Links...

We, Dino and I, had decided that after our morning orientation at school we would play 18 at Jax Beach Public Golf Club (only for one reason: the price. period). During the orientation Brett voices that he wants to come, which is totally cool, so we set our tee time for 12:00 and a group of 3. After we get done with our school shit, we go out for some breakfast, head over to my house to grab my bag and shoes, and fly to Jax Beach to make it in time to hit up the driving range.

We didn't get many balls because it was Satan-degrees-Fahrenheit and we didn't wanna get too tired before we even tee'd off. So we downed a single bucket between the 3 of us, when an older man gave us a whole bucket of range balls and said, "Here boys, its just too damn hot out today." Don't worry we didn't use them, we left them for whoever wanted them because it indeed was 'too damn hot out.' So its now 12:00 on the dot. We jump in our carts and head over to the tee box. The starter looks unhappy with us. Why? Well, apparently we are 5 minutes late!!! Oh my God, 5 minutes! ... So after I get the speech about how we should have been there at 12:00 and how because we were SO late he had to let the guys with the 12:37 tee time take our time. Okay, whatever... no big deal. We tee off after them and things are going okay.

I think I speak for anyone who has ever played the hellish yet additively amazing game that is golf when I say, Sometimes you get really fucking frustrated. What is a man to do when he's full of steam in a field of grass (not even nice grass, after all its a public course) with a large club. This directly translates over years and years of history... like a caveman with his big wooden club banging it on the ground when his prey outruns him. Soooo, yes, I did make divots on some fairways (and a green or two) with my iron/putter like a big greasy lumberjack. I wasn't the only one (I won't name names because I'm not like that). Really, honestly, who doesn't sometimes... ?

During this round, I nearly hit a man from the group in front of us with an amazing shot from my 3-Hybrid over a gorge. When we (Dino and I road together) got up to the ball I said, "Sorry about that." He responded, "Don't worry, I couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a snow shovel today if I tried... just one of those days." Funny saying... I think I'll use it.

So we get all the way through the course without any problems. All the way to our 17th hole. I'm on the green in 4 (Par 4) with a putt for bogey. Of course I lip it and have to tap in for dubs (double bogey). Its hot + I'm not playing my best = I take my putter and fucking axe that shit into the green sooooo hard. Alright stop right here and just picture this: A man out in the woods with a big axe and a log of wood beneath his feet, he swings the axe down over his head and crushes the log. Now paste that image onto me, on a green, with a putter... I mean hard, that putter was deep in the green. Hahaha.

So I turn to see the guys (3 middle aged men) behind us watching the entire charade. I make eye contact from 150 yards away with one of them. They all pile into they're carts and come flying over the bridge to the hole. During this time I know whats about to happen, so I start preparing in my mind (fake name, lies, etc.) The "leader" jumps out and walks up to our cart as Dino and I get into it (Brett is already up at the next hole waiting for us, btw he's parked slightly on the grass). I'll just give you the entire dialogue as that will be easier:

Prick 1: What's your name?!

Me: [quickly] Scott Peterson. (lie #1)

[Yes, the husband who murdered his pregnant wife and chopped her up]

He apparently doesn't hear me correctly and says:

Prick 1: Scott Peters?

[I didn't feel the need to correct him, as Scott Peters is a perfectly fine name]

Me: Yeah...

Prick 1: You're done for the day you guys head on in to the clubhouse. You've destroyed this golf course...

[Prick 2 starts calling the clubhouse]

Me: Destroyed? I put one divot in one green. (lie #2)

Prick 1: One? Does it look like I have *STUPID* written across my face [points to his forehead, at this point Dino is holding back laughter]. We've been watching you guys all day. I counted 4 [holding up 4 fingers] greens you've ruined.

Me: 4? Do you have a list?

Prick 1: W-w-well... Hole 4! You put 2 BIG divots in the green.

[This is actually not true. I par'd hole 4]

Me: Hole 4? I...

Prick 1: [sarcastically] You know what hole that is?

Me: Yeah, its the par 3 with th creek down the left side... they just finished the green so we don't have to play on temp-greens anymore (temp=temporary). I par'd that hole, I'd have no reason to be upset...

Prick 1: You're gonna pay for all this. You head on up to the clubhouse right now.

Prick 2: I'll follow 'em up there!

Prick 3: [to Brett] You know there's cart paths for a REASON!

Hahaha. I love Prick 3's contribution to the situation...

Me: Okay [at this point I've already got the plan 100% figured out]

The cart return/exit is obviously right next to the parking lot. All we have to do is park the carts, grab our shit, and haul ass to the car. I quickly tell this to Dino, who gets the message in only a few words, "We're getting the fuck out of here, grab your shit while you drive." So as Dino drives closely behind Brett I say to Brett, "Brett, collect all your shit while you drive, then park it, and haul ass to your car, we're leaving."

So we get to the cart rental return area. Park the carts, while the "manager" walks out and says, "I heard you were tearing up the course."
"No, I slammed my club on one hole I was out of line."
"Why'd you do that?"
"I don't know, pure frustration, you know what I mean?"
"Yeah, yeah well don't do it anymore or we're gonna have to ask you to leave."
"Oh I won't, I'm really sorry, I just lost my cool. This game will do that to ya."
"Okay, well good day."

He walked back inside. We grabbed our bags and ran to the car as one of the pricks was approaching the cart area.

On the drive away Brett realized he'd left his glasses in his cart, so he had to go back in and get them from the pro-shop.

I do feel that I was totally out of line, tough. I took it a little too far...

Fun day...


Anonymous said...

dude, thats awesome, you guys should come play at selva one monday, as long as your not total pricks and tear up greens :)

free :) oh and btw Im terrible..... getting better, but I suck

Anonymous said...

that's a right laught ain't it little man

OshKosh B'Josh said...

I'm not that little, haha.